Can a Person Change in a Relationship?
Today I am here to talk to you about some specific things that have to do with relationships. Of course about your intimate relationship, but about all the relationships in your life.
And whenever you are working with other people, whatever area it may be, whether it’s in intimate relationships or friendships, work relationships – whatever it may be, there are some things I want you to understand. So today’s topic is the fact that personalities come in packages.
Many people have these ideal things about what they want in someone else’s personality, these expectations that another human being is going to act in a certain way.
You may want, for example as a woman, a man who is romantic, right? And a man who will sweep you off your feet and he does the red roses and the fancy dinners and just totally romantic and all that stuff. But what you have to understand is that personalities come in packages.
So it’s not like you can have a checklist of things, and say romance yes, I would like that. Then passion yeah, I want that. Anger, no I don’t want anger. Then you go to the next one, and it says, boring – like no, I don’t want that. Adventurous, yes, right? Then you go down the list, and you pick these personality traits. See, human beings don’t exist like that.
Finding the Perfect Person is Impossible
What you have to understand is human beings come in packages, and this is most important when you are comparing the person that you’re with, with other people, and you see their good qualities. For example, let’s say you have a significant other who is always late.
You have this frustration with them. You are like oh my gosh can’t you ever be on time, right? It seems like they can never be on time and then there’s this other person who has a spouse or a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, and he or she is always on time. Somewhere in your mind, you go, gosh if only I could have someone who could be on time because I get sick and tired of waiting for this person.
But see what you don’t understand is someone who is on time all the time, they have certain personality traits that come along with that. Now I don’t know what those are. I’m not going try to guess, but maybe it’s something like for example they are sort of like boring because they plan out their entire day.
Maybe the reason your significant other is never on time because he or she flies by the set of their pants, man. They’re adventurous; they like variety in their life, they just do whatever they want whenever they want, right? Or maybe it is that they work really hard and they’ve got a lot going on in their lives, and it’s not as easy for them to get somewhere on time.
Don’t Compare Your Partner to People With Different Personality Types
That’s what you have to understand, is that personalities come in packages. As you are looking at your significant other, do not start comparing them to other people unless you are able to compare the entire package.
Remember, the entire package doesn’t always show up in public.
When you see someone for example who is incredibly passionate, guess what? Yes, they are passionate when they are making love. But guess what? They are also passionate when you piss them off, and that is the package. That’s a package that’s going to come in a lot of different places.
Now I’m not suggesting that just because someone is passionate about the way they make passionate love, or they are passionate in life, that they are going to be angry and abusive. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But what I’m saying is understand that there are multiple personality traits that come together in these little small packages or sometimes big packages.
Because me, for example, as a person who is energetic and really passionate, I get out there, I get stuff done. That’s great; those are some really positive things. But folks, as you are listening out there understand that there are a lot of negative things that come out of that.
So throughout my life, I individually as an individual have battled some of the negatives of the package of my various different packages that I have in my life, and I have tried to become a better person. But what you have to be careful with is as a man or a woman out there, you cannot try to change the parts of a package in another human being. It simply does not work, so what you have to do is you have to first accept people as whole.
Accept Your Partner’s Entire Personality Package
Accept them as who they are in a relationship – ladies listen to me. If you are in a relationship with a man, whether you just met him, you’ve been together with him for three months, or you’ve been together for three or 30 years, stop trying to change him.
It is not ever going to work. It will never produce results and if you actually get lucky somehow — I wouldn’t call it lucky but if you do get lucky and you produce results, and you get them to change, guess what? They are going to resent you for the rest of your life. It doesn’t work.
Changing someone simply does not work, so you have to stop trying. Your focus should be on accepting whatever personality traits they have and focusing on the fact that they are who they are.
Now, if you don’t like the package, you can eliminate the entire package, meaning you eliminate the person. This applies to employees. You know, if you want an employee for example who is a go-getter and does a lot and gets a lot is innovative and this and that.
That might be someone who isn’t always going to show up to work on time right? Because that’s part of the personality package. But then if you want someone who is always on time and follows the rules in this and that, well then don’t expect them to be the best dancer at the next party at work.
Maybe they’re not. I mean, they could be, but if these things come in packages, you have to focus on the fact that you can’t expect to get one part of the package without the other part of the package. That’s really important for you to understand, especially in your intimate relationships.
Gentlemen out there, same thing for you. You cannot think that the woman that you are with is going to change in one or two ways just because you force her to. It doesn’t work. There’s no reason to try to change her; you have to accept her for who she is and love her for exactly who she is. Now, if for some reason you don’t want exactly who she is, then great. Move on and find someone who you are willing to accept as who they are.
The Perfect Person Doesn’t Exist
But some of you are in your late 20s, 30s, even 40s. I even meet people in their 50s, and they’re still struggling for this, where they are trying to find that perfect person. They think that the perfect person is going to have all these little personality traits where there is a list of a hundred traits and they are going to have all the ones that they want and none of the ones that they don’t want. See, that person doesn’t exist.
My wife is the most incredible woman on the planet. I love her to death, and she is the only woman I would ever want to be married to, trust me. But the bottom line is she is not perfect in every way; I can’t pick and choose what personality traits she has.
She’s got a lot of amazing personality traits, but those are all part of packages, right? Each of those packages may carry things that I don’t necessarily like. But isn’t that the spice of life? Isn’t that what makes a relationship beautiful? I mean, do you want to be in a relationship with a robot that does everything you want? (Yeah, I know, some of you women are like yeah, that’s exactly what I want, where do I sign up for that?)
Yeah, well, you don’t sign up for that. It doesn’t exist, and if it did, it would bore you to death, and you’d end up going out and wanting to be in a different relationship anyways. So take my advice on this; understand that personality trait come in packages. Don’t look at your significant other and the person that you love and compare them with someone else.
At the same time when you are looking at the person that you are with, appreciate the packages that they have. So if they are passionate, appreciate that they are passionate. At that moment where their passion is taking them to a negative place, focus on the fact that that’s the same passion that has to make passionate love to you. That’s the same passion that allows them to succeed in life, for example.
Compromise in Relationships is Crucial
Or, if let’s say someone is boring, and you are like God, what do you mean on another Friday you want to go to sleep at 8:00 at night? Understand that what you are calling boredom is part of a bigger package of a person who values stability possibly.
That stability allows them to do a lot of other things, things that you love about that person and that’s why you are with them. Especially for those of you out there who are not with the person you love and are not with the person you really truly want to be with and you haven’t found the one, here is something really important. If you are 20 years old, don’t worry about this. You’ve got plenty of time. If you are 30, you probably still have time.
But if you are getting to 35, 40, 45, 50 and you’re still out there looking for that perfect person, it may be that God has a different plan for you, and you are still waiting for that perfect person, and the perfect person is going to come. But most likely I can tell you what it is, is you are expecting a perfect package, and you’re not wanting to accept people for who they are.
And I can almost guarantee you in your situation if we look at the relationships that you’ve been in, I can almost guarantee you that you’ve tried to change everyone you were with. What happened is you started noticing the problems but the first few dates, the first few weeks you put up with them, and then you decided you didn’t want to put up with them anymore, so you started getting into arguments and fights.
Eventually, it got to be too much, and your relationship got to the point where you just kept trying to change them. Then when you couldn’t change them, guess what? The relationship ended, and you went around saying how this person wasn’t the right person.
I can almost guarantee you in every one of your cases, that’s exactly what’s going on. Now some of you have gotten into relationships, and they were bad relationships. I understand all of that. I’m not referring to everybody out there; there’s no way to generalize.
I’m talking to a huge audience of tens of thousands of people, so who knows what your specific situation is? But I could almost guarantee you if you are out there and you haven’t found the one, and you are looking for the one, and you’re past a certain age where you’ve spent some time really out there meeting people, it most likely is the fact that you are forgetting this concept of personality packages.
Please understand that personalities come in these packages and appreciate the package. Appreciate that the thing is you cannot change someone; accept them as exactly who they are.
When you accept them as exactly who they are, you are going to see that suddenly hey, this isn’t so bad and that’s not so bad. Now, it doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with them right?
If you are with someone who values stability in their life and they are good with the finances, and if you have kids they are really good with the kids, and they do all this stuff. But then come Friday night they don’t want to go out, and it drives you crazy.
Instead of saying oh, they are so boring and this and that, hey, just sit down with them and say, “Hey, look. I understand because of this guy named Arman Sadeghi on Titanium Life, which by the way you should listen to honey.”
Say, “Arman has taught me that human beings have these personality packages. So when I look at the package that you have, this package that you bring stability to our lives, you are faithful to me, you are kind to me, you are good to me, you take good care of me, you take good care of our kids, you don’t waste our money, you don’t do stupid things. Part of that also is that when it comes to Friday night, you like to stability by staying at home. Well, you know sweetheart, every once in a while if it were okay, it would be really nice if we could go out have some dinner.
We could go out to a movie because I really value that, sweetheart. Some of those personality traits that you value about me, how you like that fact that I am outgoing and I’m adventurous, and all the things that I have done in my life and you look up to me because I went skydiving and whatever. Well, guess what sweetheart? Those things come from the fact that I value getting out there and doing different things and pushing the limits and pushing the envelope.
See, that’s why we are so perfect for each other because I can help you enjoy some of the little things in life that sometimes you may forget to enjoy. And you are going to be my reminder to not always have my foot all the way on the gas pedal and slow down every once in a while and smell the roses, and enjoy the small beauties that are all around us.
While I wanted, if it were up to me I would do Taco Tuesday, every Tuesday. I would get out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, always be out, always eat out and all that. If it were for me, that would be the life we would have — which would be terrible because we would fail in business and we would blow all of our money.
If it were up to you, we would have a stable life where we always eat at home, and we have this and that. So hey, why don’t I help you have a little fun on Fridays, and then I can appreciate more the help you give me when you keep my butt at home on a Tuesday or on a Thursday or on a Sunday night.”
Passion is Often Misunderstood
This is just one example there are so many more examples of this. But I want to understand that. Another example – by the way, the last example I’ll give you with this thing with passion because a lot of men out there who are passionate and they are very misunderstood, right? So, ladies, you’ve got to understand. If you want a passionate man, understand that you are going to get a package of a passionate man. Understand he is going to be passionate in every way.
You can’t go get a passionate man and then say, “Why do you work so much?” Now, I’m not saying all passionate men work so much, but in this example let’s say it’s a passionate man who has this package where he’s passionate in the bedroom, and he likes to travel, he likes to do crazy things. Well, guess what? He is also going to be passionate about his business. He is not going to be the type probably who is going to work at nine to five. If you want a nine-to-five, that’s probably not the kind of right guy to be with, or you just appreciate that about him.
So the next time he works a long day, and he comes home after 14 hours on the job, and you’re pissed because he has been gone all day, and he is not spending enough time with you, maybe that’s when you sit him down, and you say “Hey honey.
You know babe, I appreciate so much that you have so much passion and drive. I mean I could never be with the man who doesn’t have passion and drive. That’s why when you come home after a 14, 15-hour day, I admire what you do, I mean this is beautiful honey. It’s incredible. At the same time, I want you to understand that I really love you and I love spending time with you. So if there’s any way, there’s something I can do to help you maybe spend less time at the office, and more time at home, that would be awesome.”
See, that’s the kind of stuff you want to do, and I’m not going to keep going down that example and give you all the details. You’ve got to figure out the details. I don’t know what it is, but you got to figure out the details and stop harping on the people that you love, whether its employees, whether it’s your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friends, whatever it is, just stop harping on them to change them. Accept them for who they are for the beautiful package that they are and if the beautiful package that they are isn’t so beautiful, get out of that relationship now.
Your Employees Also Come in Personality Packages
Or if it’s an employee, fire them. Or if it’s a friend, stop being friends with them. If you don’t appreciate the package, get out. If you do appreciate the package, then shut up, stop complaining, and stop trying to fix them. There’s nothing to fix about them. Maybe you are the one who needs to focus on making yourself even better and more importantly as part of being better, is accepting them for exactly who they are. By the way, everything I have just said ladies and gentlemen, applies to you as a person as well.
So every once in a while you got to look at yourself and understand that you are a package as well. Maybe you should appreciate the things that you have as being a part of a package.
I did an episode a while ago about learning disabilities, and I talked about how the fact, for example, people who have ADHD or ADD? I said you are a billionaire entrepreneur. Understand that your inability to focus on one thing at a time, you could look at it as this horrible thing or see it as a personality package that allows you to think above and beyond what anybody else thinks.
You are different than everyone else and that my friend is why you can be a billionaire entrepreneur and kick butt and change the world in a way that other people who don’t have ADHD — not that the label even means anything. It’s a BS thing that’s made up, but whatever. If you got the label, use it to your advantage! So, everybody out there, get out there today and appreciate the qualities you see in the people that you love. Look for those personality packages, look for the areas that you’ve forgotten are part of that package.
Appreciate the person you are with, love them, care for them, tell them how amazing and wonderful they are, and when you do find an area that you think could improve, shut up and don’t say anything.
Now if you shut up for a really, really, really, really long time and then there’s that one little area that you want to address, then the way you talk to them is the way I demonstrated before. Which is pointing out how it’s really a positive … its part of a positive package but hey, maybe we can tweak it a little bit? Don’t demand, ask. I love you all; I want you to go out there after a message like today more than any other time. You got to get out there today and absolutely lead with your heart.
